Saturday, August 23, 2008

Have you ever been so angry you feel like your ready to burst? I know we all say it.. But how many of us have actually felt that way?

Well I have. That's for sure. I feel like if I actually was something that had seams, they would have popped and I would have been wrecked by this thing called anger. 

You see. I'm an only child. I have no escape. I have my boyfriend... but he has to work tonight. And I have that one best friend that normally completely understands me... But she's away right now. So I feel a little lost. I have all this pent up energy, and no way of getting rid of it. So I'm turning to my blog.

You see my whole life I've had to deal with intense pressure. Be it in sports, school, whatever. I can handle that.. And to be honest, I feel like I can handle almost anything.. because of what I've had to go through.

I don't what it is about her, but my mother is crazy. That's the mildest way of putting it. Today, she completely lost it, and was yelling and screaming, and looking like she might massacre someone, all because I had 2 shaving blades left in the shower, instead of one (the maximum I'm allowed). 

Now, I think we all agree, when someone nicely holds you accountable for something you've done wrong, you feel bad, you apologize, you correct whatever mistake it was. Well when I was being yelled at, told I was unorganized, and told no one would ever want to live with me, that I was a selfish spoiled kid, who needed to grow up, I really didn't feel much like apologizing and quickly remedying the situation. 

Anyways.. my point is you don't shit on someone and expect them to happily do what  you want them to do. 

I think I may have potentially finally reached that point where enough is enough. I'm tired of living like this... I think I need to get my own place. Do my own thing. Going into debt for complete freedom never looked so appealing... 

When I was being yelled at, I walked away. My mother followed me, so I'd keep moving away.. Until finally, I locked myself in a little room. (Yes I know, sounds childish.. but I had to. Like I said.. I actually felt like I was about to burst. I couldn't remain in that situation calmly.) And once again, I was given an ultimatum. I say once again, because this has happened more than once. My mom told me to get out of the room, face my problems, and shape up, or to get out of the house, because I was being evicted. Yeah, my own mom wanted to kick me out because I had 2 shavers in the shower. Oh, and because I didn't completely push the drawers in my room in all the way. 

So I guess that leaves me where I am. Attempting to survive my last year university.. The question now is whether or not I can actually put up with this for one more school year, and save some money, so that when I move out, financially I can handle it.... Or should I just take out a loan, and get out now. 

My mom's stressed, and I try to remember that fact, but it seems as though she has been stressed my whole life.. and honestly, she brings it upon herself... But that's a whooooole other story. In the end though, why should I have to pay because she's stressed?

Anywho, thats it. 


OH! And, for any of you who actually read this, this is therapeutic. Please don't comment on it. Or ever say anything to me about it. Unless you actually do understand. 

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